terminal2
It was nearing midnight and I was sitting at the bus stop. I was tired of the rain, of people, of walking, and of being awake.
I had misplaced my umbrella after getting in an argument on the train. In my annoyance and confusion I'd left it on the seat. Once I realized, just as the train had departed into the tunnel, my irritation only doubled. I try to tell myself not to get too attached to material things, but living in a material world we can only be too un-attached.
people run from rain but
sit
in bathtubs full of
water.
– Bukowski
I once saw people online mocking Bukowski for this poem. "People eat apples but duck when an apple is thrown at them!" Such jokes were made. But I think those people never saw the rest of the poem, which goes like this:
it is fairly dismal to know that
millions of people are worried about
the hydrogen bomb
yet
they are already
dead.
In any case, I was ready to go home and take a bath (or at least a shower). I heard the rumbling of the bus turning the corner so I reached into my pocket to grab my wallet to scan. It came to a stop with a wheezing and exhale as the doors flipped open towards me. I stepped aboard and touched my card to the pad but there was no sound.
"We're going to terminal. There's no charge," came a voice from behind the screen. I was reminded that the driver, too, was a person. Very often they seem to blend into the background to the point where they are but a part of the bus.
"Terminal... are passengers allowed to go there?"
"Not typically, no."
"Then why'd you let me on?" There was a pause, as if they were thinking of an appropriate response.
"You'll find out."
I took a seat near the front. There was no one else aboard. Had it been any other day, I would have gotten off. But today, I wanted to leave everything behind. The terminal seemed as good of a destination as any, as long as I was going away.
"So what exactly is the terminal?" I asked. I had a vague idea but I had never really thought about what kind of place it might actually be.
"It's where we return after our shift is over."
"Oh, so where the drivers go to return the bus and end your shifts?"
"Well, yes. But everyone goes there at some point."
"Everyone?"
"Yes, everyone. In fact, you've already been there. It's where you came from." I nodded silently. Perhaps I should have been concerned, or even just confused. But I wasn't. I was surprisingly calm. It felt as just as if I was being taken home. Not the place where I lived now, but the place that I had originated from. Terminal.
The lights of the nighttime cityscape melded together in the window. Somehow, the inside of the bus seemed more real than the outside world. I began counting the raindrops on the glass to pass the time. I started by counting a droplet a second but soon it felt like counting a droplet an hour.
"Are we getting close?" I asked.
"That depends on you. Do you feel close?" Certainly, it felt like we had made a lot of distance. But there was still a long way to go.
"It feels like there is still a long road ahead."
"Hmm, I see. I guess we have a while to go." The numbing fatigue in my head had spread throughout my body. I relaxed my body against the seat and closed my eyes. The world faded to black. The rumble of the bus sounded faint and distant. It felt like sleep would soon be upon me.
But something inside of me was itching to open my eyes. I felt like I needed to check if.. everything was still real. I slowly opened my eyes only to be met with darkness. As if I hadn't opened them at all. I blinked once, then twice, then three times. Everything was dark still. Perhaps the driver had turned off the lights.
"Hello? Are you still there?" There was no response. Instead, my voice seemed to vanish into the dark. As soon as the sound exited my mouth, everything was silent again. I could not even hear myself speak.
I felt my chest begin to tense up. A familiar burning sensation emerged in my stomach. For the first time since I boarded the bus, I was afraid. It felt like I had left something behind. As if I had forgotten something important or left something unfinished.
"Excuse me? Is there any possibility we could turn back?" I was met again by silence. My heart began pumping and a lump of dread crept up my throat.
"Hello? Anybody?" I cried out desperately. I tried to stand up but there was nothing to stand on. I tried to reach out but I couldn't feel my arms.
"Hey!" A sudden voice pierced the blackness. It was faint, but audible. I tried to respond but no sound came out. But I could feel my eyelids now. I forced them opened them as wide as I could.
Light flooded my vision. The blur of colors before me gradually melded into an image of a bus stopped before me and a man standing beside it.
"Hey! This bus is going to terminal. It's not taking any more passengers today." I glanced at my surroundings. I was at the bus stop. I stared at the driver.
"Did you hear me? You can't get on the bus."
"Oh. Okay. Thanks for waking me up."
I stood up, straighted my coat, and checked my watch. It was 12:30 AM. I would make it back before 1 after all. I stepped out into the night. The moon and stars lit the sky.
It had stopped raining.