may22
the lightbulb in the elevator broke again. once the doors closed it was pitch dark. the only light was the glow of the buttons. i closed my eyes, and focused on that sensation of descent. but i noticed a different feeling. there was also a weight in my chest, separate from the weight of gravity.
somewhere, somehow, an old fish had died.
today, i walked away from the shore. i walked inland. i did not want to see the what they were doing in the water.
or so i thought. about 5 minutes later i realized i was walking towards the beach, as usual. the memory of the path had been imprinted onto my limbs, even as my mind drifted. so i continued to the water.
the beach was desolate as ever. only sand and some washed up logs. the sand was not yellow, but dull and gray. dried-out kelp littered the shoreline, and all i could smell was seafoam.
why did i come here? i did not know...
perhaps, i was tired. physically, but also tired of my life. not life, but the life i was living. the monotonous rhythm of the waves reflected the cycle of waking and sleeping. the music of tedium that filled my ears from day to day.
that is why i did not want to return here. because although i sought an escape, all i found was the same.
but there was something refreshing about the vastness of the ocean. if i wanted, i could venture into the center of the earth from here. but gravity tied me back. so i just thought about what that might be like.
it is said that the moon's gravity creates the tides. but recently, it has been pulling on my heart too. it rises and falls with the cycle of waxing and waning.
i do not want to be here in the city. i want to be among fields of green. i want to be free of the buzzing of others' thoughts. but i do not want to be lonely.