final

today is the final day of the year. but it feels not unlike any other day. well, there is something that's different. there is a stinging pain in the ball of my right palm. this is because i did diamond pushups. perhaps the weight distribution was incorrect.

the year is nearly complete, but i am not. i am lacking in completeness, somehow, and the fact that part of my skin stings is proof of that. it is showing me something.

what is the purpose of pain? we could come up with several explanations. but discard those. and ask yourself, why do we feel pain? why? it is rather a mystery.

pain is what shows us that we are not yet complete. a complete being does not feel pain. we are still human, still bound by flesh, and that is why we feel pain.

what is beyond flesh, and mortality? i cannot say, because I am a painful being.

the state of existence itself is pain. is there something that existence can bring that does not cause pain?

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i spoke to the wall and the wall spoke back. this angered me. a wall was not supposed to speak, to disobey, to go beyond its intended purpose. how could this wall, when all others had fell in line, shirk its duty and speak? this unsettled me on some fundamental level.

i could probably punch a hole through the wall if i so desired. but it would deliver an equal and opposite force to my fist, which would incur more pain. and the wall, being as it is, could not feel pain. it could freely mock me, free of any consequences.

i could have it demolished, set on fire, blown up. would this really defeat the wall though? it would not just be split into infinitesimal fragments, and suffer nil in the process.

and i began to wonder, what it would be like if i were a wall... to mock others with impunity, with no burden psychologically or physically.

so i became one.

the talking wall. or rather, i always was one. i was the wall that spoke back, and i almost destroyed myself. i am the wall.