escape

perhaps i am finally beginning to lose my mind.

nothing feels real. this surreal feeling seems to have began 4-5 days ago but simultaneously, when i try to remember anything, those memories are also tinged with that same unrealness.

in some ways i feel trapped. trapped in something false. but simultaneously, even if this was a simulation and i broke free of it, i know that 'real world' would also feel fake. so rather, it is not the world which is at fault; it is something which changed in my mind.

but as we know, the world exists upon our minds. so it would not be inappropriate to say that the world itself is crumbling.

it is not the knowledge that this world is false that is plaguing me. in some ways i always knew that. but the feeling of realness, has all but vanished. before, i could feel the tangibility of everything and revel in the concreteness of my experience but now, i am left confused, dazed, confined by an illusion.

nothing feels real. i repeat myself, but it is a repeating realization. everything i perceive, everything i can imagine, feels like it exited straight out of a dream.

i wonder if this is the first time i have entered this state. there are a few episodes from the past which may be candidates for a time i previously experienced this.


before, i almost romanticized derealization. it was as if i desired to see beyond the veil, to see beyond that which others see, to feel special in my own right due to this ability. but now, as i see beyond, i do so without the awareness that i am seeing anything beyond at all. in fact, i have seen nothing. there is no special knowledge, or understanding that i have gained over others. rather, it seems like everyone else has kind of melded into this seamless surreality. there is no one in the first place for me to feel superior to. it is just i, all alone in the cosmos. or rather, i am the cosmos.

but perhaps, this should be satisfying to understand. perhaps, this is when i can really begin to enjoy life, unbound by the chains of falsehood. only thing man has to lose are his chains, so to speak. but instead of the chains of an economic relation, i have unbound the chains of reality itself. i have faced reality and defeated it, but i feel lost without it to lean on.


my life is like a movie, but not in the sense that i feel like the main character or anything like that bs. my life is like a movie that i am watching from the audience. i am spectating something that i do not understand. but i am a spectator. but this spectator is not separate from the movie itself. rather, the movie is watching itself. the movie itself is the spectator, and i am the movie. i am playing a game, but i am the game. the game is playing itself. and suddenly the reality of everything seems to drain away from the world like drops of tea-water from a teabag. until all that is left is the husk of illusion, disillusion, and the inevitability of eternity.